[ knocks at door ]
Yeah ? Hi. Hi.
Me and my buddy are Havin' a little trouble With our car.
We wondered if we Could use your phone. I don't have a phone.
That's okay. We don't have a car.
[ chuckles ] I don't get it.
This clear it up For you ?
No, I知 afraid not. You see, I知 blind.
It's not a permanent condition. It comes and goes.
We could've killed you, You know that ?
It's a natural thing For a man to defend His home and property.
Worth givin' Your life up for ?
Well, not that Particular property. It's rented.
What the hell You doin' up there All alone, asshole ?
That's okay. You can call me nick.
I'm a writer. I'm working on a book.
What line of work Are you fellows in ?
[ both laughing ]
Just stop at The next station, Asshole.
We need some gas.
How far are we goin' ? Carmel.
Oh, yeah ? Nice town. Got a nice bank too.
You ever knock off A bank ?
Me ? Not that I can recall. [ laughs ]
- this'll be your first time. - we're gonna rob a bank ?
- you, me and bee gee. - what do we want To do that for ?
'Cause that's Our line of work. I see.
[ laughing ] Pull in there, Writer.
[ bell dings ]
Now you remember Where this gun is.
Right side, Middle of the ribs.
What'll it be, boys ? Fill it up. Fill it up.
Regular or premium ? Regular. Premium.
Premium, be fine. Want me to check The hood ?
Yeah. No, it's already Been checked. Thanks. No.
Any chance of my going To the john ? None.
Ever ?
[ police radio, Indistinct ]
Just relax. I'm relaxed.
Nice day for a drive. Tell me.
Where you boys headin' ?
Carmel. Oregon.
Then right up to Oregon. That's our home up there.
Nice country. Eighteen even.
Pay the man. You have my wallet.
Down here on vacation ? Business.
Vacation. Vacation. On a fishing trip.
Eighteen out of 20. Here you are.
Keep the change.
Which way to Carmel ? We know the way.
Thank you. Move it.
I don't know.
We may have to call it off. I don't think we're gonna Find a parking space.
Just keep circling Until somebody pulls out.
Can I ask a dumb question ? What do you need me for ?
'Cause you got A nice, honest face.
You're gonna walk up To the teller, smile And hand her this note.
[ together ] "this is a stickup. Put all your money in a bag.
Make one sound And you're dead."
It's good. Good writing. Take it from a pro.
Thanks. You see ?
There's a spot Across the street From the bank.
What am I supposed to do With this ?
Just open your jacket and Let the lady see it. Then She'll know you mean business.
Let's go.
Supposing once We get inside I decide To blow your heads off ?
How ? We don't Have no bullets.
Just kidding. Let's go.
There you go. Thank you. Bye-bye.
Next.
Next ?
Hi. Can I help you ? Yes, you can.
What is this ? Read it. It's self-explanatory.
Oh, my god ! Oh, my god ! I know, I know.
I feel the same way. [ stammering ] What do I do ?
I don't know. Let's take a look.
"stickup. Put all your Money in a bag. One more Sound and you're dead."
And bless you.
Oh, uh, Should I pick it up ? Please.
No, leave it there. Or you can pick it up. What do you usually do ?
I don't know. I don't know either.
Do you want The change too ? Yes, please.
No change. Keep the change. No--
I have nothing to do with this. It's those two guys over By the desk. Look at 'em.
This isn't even loaded. Oh, god ! Please don't hurt me.
I'm not gonna hurt you. Hi, Helen.
Hello, Mrs. Herman.
Mrs. Herman, would you mind Going to the next window ?
I'm getting a payroll.
Do me a favor. Tell the police I had nothing To do with this, okay ?
Thank you. Nice job.
Are you all right, sir ?
Ah, shit.
Jesus !
I'm thrilled too, Stanley.
Well, you know how I've wanted it.
I think I can do A hell of a job for you.
Well, thank you. That means a lot to me.
I've got some ideas For the campaign I壇 like To discuss with you.
Why don't we have dinner Next week ?
Tuesday night At our house ?
Aurora's chicken pepperoni. I know how you love it.
Thank you very much.
It's set. Attorney general, State of California.
The governor's Backing me. Congratulations, Ira.
Thanks, Fred. I knew you'd make it.
I've been saving these For four years. They're Starting to grow ferns.
Let's not smoke them Until you see this. In a second.
Jackie, would you get me My wife, please ? Call her later. Please ?
Hold that a second. What's wrong ? Recognize him ?
No.
He looks a little like My wife's first husband. Who is he ?
Your wife's first husband. Gardenia ? What'd he do ?
Knocked off the bank Of the pacific in Carmel. Got $7,000 plus.
Walked in, Handed the girl a note, Flashed a gun and walked out.
If they want you For attorney general, This could be your first case.
Is this a gag ?
This is a government agency. You know we don't have A sense of humor.
He was seen driving away With two unidentified men.
They were smart enough Not to get Their picture taken. Putz !
Doesn't even know how To rob a bank. Looks right into the camera.
Couldn't ask for A better picture. Is he wearing makeup ?
This, plus the fact he spent Two years in a Mexican jail Is gonna make terrific copy.
They never proved That he was personally Smuggling in the drugs.
They found him in the car With five kilos And four Mexicans.
It was a Three-and-a-half minute trial. You don't call that justice.
Ira, you've got my vote. But we're living in A very conservative state.
You're gonna have Image trouble.
The sooner he's caught, The better off we are. What are the police doing ?
The usual: roadblocks, Helicopters, dogs-- Big dogs.
Anything else ?
Could we call the air force And ask for saturation bombing ?
Thanks a lot, Glenda.
Mrs. Parks, Is there any reason...
Why sentence should not now Be imposed on your clients ? No, your honor.
All right. In view of The extenuating circumstances In this case,
I'm willing to release Your clients, Robert broken feather...
And Thomas Jefferson wolf call, On probation.
- thank you, your honor. - I wish to make it clear that I Do not condone their behavior.
As a condition for probation, They're going to have To make restitution...
To the welfare department For some $326.41 in damages.
What would you do If the government withheld Your welfare checks...
For six months Because of a clerical error ?
I would try to get along On my pension.
I want to see these Two young men in my court In three weeks,
Gainfully employed Or showing just cause Why they're not.
Otherwise I shall reconsider My reconsiderations.
I will personally see to it They have jobs.
We don't know how To thank you, Mrs. Parks. We're really grateful.
It's okay.
Can we buy you a beer ? No, you can't Buy me a beer.
You're on probation. Try dr. Pepper.
I want to see you both In my office at 9:00 In the morning.
There's a ranch In Topanga canyon that Needs help with their horses.
Are you interested ? Uh, we can't ride.
Can't ride ? Terrific. What can you do ?
I was in the navy For three years. Served on the bridge.
Well, maybe the stable Needs help with their boats.
See you tomorrow. Bye.
Let's get out of here.
How'd we do, boss ? We won in overtime.
And don't call me "boss." Didn't you see roots?
Chester, where'd You get that hat ? From a chauffeur.
You stole it. No, I found it.
Where ? On a chauffeur.
Chester, the only reason I made you a chauffeur Is to keep you from stealing.
Why are you doing this ? Because I want to be As good a chauffeur...
As I am a stealer.
Well, there's a certain Sincere logic in that, I suppose.
I hope you boys won't be Offended by this, but I gotta get back to work.
I was wondering if I could quit the gang.
I'd be willing to give up My share of the money.
Obviously, I壇 be sworn To secrecy.
I think we've all grown Really close to each other Since this morning.
What do you say, bee gee ?
The man wants out, Let him out.
I really appreciate that, Bee gee. Forget I mentioned the name.
Is this A good spot here ?
Maybe near a bus depot... Or here.
Here's good. I like here a lot.
Okay. Step out Anyplace you want.
Any chance of Stopping the car first ?
[ laughing ]
How about slowing down To 55 ? [ laughing ]
Not here ! Hey ! Hey !
You realize you went through A stop sign back there, Don't you ?
Can't help it. I don't like to read When I drive.
When we gonna discuss My raise ? Raise ?
I can't afford you now. This is my 12th case In the same suit.
8:15 tomorrow morning.
Mm-hmm.
Hi ! Hi, fellas !
Hi. Ooh ! [ laughing ]
You're smothering me. A simple hello will do.
All right, who peed ?
And don't blame it On the cats. They're in the kitchen.
Hi, honey. Come on. Hi, glen.
Come on, you bad dogs. Stanley, I want You to know,
If it embarrasses you In any way, I'll bow out now.
I know as much about it As you do.
Glenda just got in. I don't think she knows.
[ speaking in Spanish ]
What's the matter, aurora ? You sound grouchy.
What's the matter ? I got six dogs,
Two cats, five goldfishes, A chauffeur, A man and a woman to feed,
And none of you eats The same time Or the same food.
Five dogs, not six. Well, one of them has A guest for dinner.
Oh, my god ! Where did he come from ?
If I was a stray dog, This is the first place I'd come to.
He must've been the one Who peed on the floor.
That's nothing compared To what he done on the stairs. I'll clean it up.
Don't tell Mr. Parks. He's so busy, He won't notice it for weeks.
He will if He don't wear slippers Around the house.
[ dogs barking ] I'm sorry, Stanley. I missed that.
Glen, glen.
No, we're still on For dinner Tuesday.
Yeah. I appreciate that.
Okay, I値l see you then.
I'll sign over everything I have to you if you give Those dogs their freedom.
They miss me. They haven't seen me all day.
Neither have I, And I知 not barking. Yes, you are.
I have to talk to you. I can't hear myself think. Let's go upstairs.
No, not the stairs. In the garden. The garden ?
Yes. It's Much quieter there.
[ dogs barking ]
I've got some news-- Some wonderful news.
Oh, god, no ! What ?
They ate my corn. The dogs ate your corn ?
No, the rabbits ! They ate my beautiful corn.
Glen, I致e got some Exciting news for you.
Oh, I could cry. To hell with the corn !
We could've gone to Europe For what it cost to grow Six lousy ears of corn.
Please, I want to talk to you. Sit down, please. I'm sorry. Excuse me.
What is it ?
They offered me The attorney general's spot. Stan asked me himself.
Oh, Ira ! I'm so happy for you !
You deserve it, sweetheart. You're gonna make...
The most decent and honorable Attorney general they ever had. I'm gonna try.
Oh, what A wonderful surprise ! You want another one ?
Your ex-husband Robbed a bank in Carmel.
Nick ? Robbed a bank ? I don't believe it.
You can believe it. Our wedding pictures Didn't turn out that good.
It's not like him. Nick would never rob a bank.
Huh ? I said nick Would never rob a bank.
He needed the money, I guess. You don't get rich spending Two years in a Mexican jail.
That's what I mean. The man Goes down to Mexico to write A piece on illegal aliens...
And winds up in jail For smuggling drugs-- That's not like him.
When was the last time you Though anyone was guilty Of anything ?
[ snoring ] All right, glen.
- wild kingdom or me ? - they're getting off.
Come on. Come on, get down.
Get down, hamlet.
Why am I always The last one in the neighborhood To get into bed with you ?
You're not gonna sleep With the picture Under your pillow, are you ?
He looks so gaunt, So thin.
Don't worry. They'll feed him great At San Quentin.
Ira ? What ?
If they catch nick, How will you feel If I defended him ?
Like the mess You cleaned up On the stairs tonight.
There's another one Under the blankets.
There's another goddamn dog Under the covers. I'll get him.
There's hair All over the place. I'll get him.
The place is covered With hair. Ahhh.
I can feel it On my legs.
[ attendant ] Thanks a lot. Come back again.
Hey ! What the hell Are you doing ?
I didn't get my candy. Don't shoot. Don't shoot. I'm a family man.
I want my milk duds. I didn't get my milk duds.
We don't keep cash at night. Only credit cards.
I don't want your credit cards. I want my milk duds !
I haven't eaten in two days. I'm desperate. Now move !
Okay, pick 'em up. And nothing with peanut butter. I don't like peanut butter.
You like Nestl髓s crunch ? Nestl髓s crunch are good.
I'm not a crook. I just want what I paid for.
We don't have any milk duds. Uh, you like a Clark bar ?
How about a crispy ? A Zagnut ?
Zagnut's good. Zagnut.
All right, okay. Turn around.
Count from five to six hundred. No funny business.
You try anything, I'll be back tomorrow night. One, two, three,
Four, five, six-- It's stale ! You guys Ever change your candy ?
Ten, 11, 12, 13--
The son of a gun lifted Every one of my lecture notes In law school,
And he makes Attorney general.
You can't fight crime Without first Experiencing it.
Chester ? Can I talk To you for a minute ?
[ mumbling ] Oh, yeah, sure. I've been watching you.
Two hors d'oeuvres for you And one for the guests Is not what I had in mind.
Who, me ? You have one in your mouth Right now, haven't you ?
No, I don't. Really ? Would you like me To ask you to whistle ?
If I got to work two jobs, I got to eat for two jobs.
At least give the guests First choice. Fill up the tray again.
Okay.
[ woman shouting ]
What's the matter ? What happened ?
She opened a bedroom door and A pack of wild dogs jumped her. What happened ?
She opened a bedroom door and A pack of wild dogs jumped her. Oh, I知 sorry.
They're not wild, They're friendly. They get carried away.
[ barking ] All right, shh. Quiet. Quiet.
Didn't I tell you To keep the door locked ?
Did you see Polonius, The little brown one ? Yeah, he got out.
What are you doing ? My cousin's getting The crap kicked out of him.
At least he's working.
Oh, now. Keep the door--
Get outta here. Locked.
[ Spanish ]
Has anyone seen Polonius ? He came in this door And went out that one.
Where do you think he went ? I didn't ask And he didn't say.
Can we get clean glasses ? They're starting to drink Out of their hands.
[ Spanish ] I understood that !
I'm gonna look For the dog. Rapido, ninas.
Polonius ! Here, boy. Come on
Good evening, Mrs. Parks. Are we making Too much noise ?
No. Mr. Parks Just wanted us to keep An eye on things.
Oh. Did you happen to see A little brown dog ?
I thought I heard something In the garage. We can take a look.
It's okay. It's probably him. That's where I keep The dog biscuits.
I'll send you out Sandwiches. Thank you, ma'am.
Polonius ! [ whistles ]
Come on, baby. Where are you ?
Are you in here ? Come on--
Shh. Don't move. Don't say a word.
Don't scream, Don't breathe, Don't bite.
You're biting. I told you not to bite. [ muffled shouting ]
It's me, nick. Yes. [ muffled ] Nick ?
I'm in big trouble. I need your help.
If you promise to help me, Just nod your head twice.
If it's no, shake your head From side to side. I'll understand.
[ groans ] I guess it's no.
Are you crazy ? I couldn't breathe !
You know what it's like to get Punched on an empty stomach ? Could've gone through my back.
Why did you come here Of all places ?
Because I knew you were The one person in the world Who could help me.
I can't help you. Maybe it was somebody else I was thinking of.
What's wrong with your leg ? Ah. I was pushed out Of a car doing 65.
Rolled down a hill Doing 85.
If I can just stay In here tonight. No, you can't stay in here.
Well, you've done everything Humanly possible.
I've got 60 guests in the house, Most of them looking for you.
Can I have some food ? I've had Nothing to eat but old candy. I'm beginning to break out.
All right, hide in the car. I'll try and bring some food Out to you.
Nothing sweet. I've had enough sweets.
You sure have Lousy timing, nick.
And you sure have A hell of a face, glen. It's nice to see it again.
You're in terrible trouble. Try and behave like it.
You know your eyes lit up The minute you saw me again ? I like that.
That battery's been dead For a long time.
[ Spanish ] It's okay.
Do you speak Spanish ? No, but it's okay.
Excuse me.
Chester, have you seen Mrs. Parks ? Uh-uh.
Is she still In the kitchen ? Uh-uh-uh.
Are you all right ? Uh-huh.
[ gulps ]
Uh !
You're not gonna serve that. That's two-day-old chicken.
It's for me. I'm starved.
I was gonna Take that home tonight. I'm gonna eat outside.
There goes my beer too.
I need to be alone For five minutes.
And don't tell anybody Where I am. Okay.
Have you seen Mrs. Parks ?
She's not outside Eating chicken, That's for sure.
Hey, Conchita, come on. You shouldn't be out here. Si, senora.
You shouldn't even be In the country.
Oh, Mrs. Parks. Thank you. Oh !
We appreciate it, ma'am. We can't drink for Another hour yet,
But we'll just Hold on to these. Okay.
Enjoy yourselves. Bye, boys. Thanks again.
Nick ?
Oh, my god ! What are you doing Back there ?
Nothing yet.
This is not gonna look good On your record. Come on, let's go.
Hurry up. Get back to work.
I'm not paying you For kissing.
- nick ? - what kind of parties Do you throw around here ?
Easy. Watch the license plate.
You know what your guests Were doing in there ? Not guests. They're my help.
They're having a better time Than your guests.
If you're low on oil It's 'cause I drank it.
Okay, where's the food ? What've you got ? I had chicken.
You had chicken ? You ate my chicken ? No, the police took it from me.
They took away your chicken ? It was illegal chicken ?
They're guarding the house. There are a lot of Important people in there.
You can't stay here. They're gonna find you for sure. You've gotta go.
How far do think I'm gonna get on Zagnuts And a quart of oil ?
Boy, the one person In the world I thought I could count on.
Don't say that. You know how I pride myself On being dependable.
I'm sorry.
All right. I'll be back later. When ?
I can't keep hopping out of The house with chicken. They'll Think it's a take-out store.
When they're gone In a couple of hours.
You know the last thing In the world I wanna do Is hurt you.
If I知 putting you In any jeopardy, I'll leave right now.
I'm okay. Fine.
That poor, soulful look On your face doesn't work Anymore, nick.
Really ? Thought I did it right.
If you're really hungry, There's a box of biscuits In the corner.
What a lovely dress, Roberta. Thank you, Glenda.
Having a good time ? Oh, terrific.
I've been looking for you. What's that on your face ?
What's what on my face ? You've got a smudge.
Oh, that. That's barbecue sauce.
Black barbecue sauce ? Yes, it's Mexican.
It's very hot. Don't eat it. I wasn't going to.
Good night. Good night.
Don't get a ticket, judge. You're not in your district now.
I'm exhausted. I'm gonna Lie down here on the lawn And go to sleep.
Why don't you go to bed ? I'll clean up.
You'll clean up. What have you got All those criminals for ?
I sent them home. They really worked hard.
I saw Chester dancing. I did ! I swear to god, I saw him dancing.
I'm so tired. Let's just get into bed.
Tell me in the morning If we made love. [ giggles ]
I think we had A nice party. Oh, yeah.
I'll lock the back door. I locked it.
Where are you going ?
Where am I going ?
Um, I can't sleep. I'm just a bundle of nerves.
I-I致e gotta do something.
I think I知 going To go work in the garden.
At 2:00 in the morning ?
That's when the rabbits Eat the corn.
This is the best time To catch them.
[ groans ] My god ! Are you crazy, Coming in the house ?
Those were dog biscuits In the garage. I started drooling.
I thought you couldn't walk. An army of ants Carried me in.
If I hadn't done this, I was gonna eat One of the dogs.
Look, hamlet Remembers you. Yeah, sure.
I asked him to drop me A postcard and he's too busy.
Out of the way, boy. Comin' through. I've gotta sit.
We've got to get you To a doctor. Let me get Ira.
We'll talk it over And we'll figure out What to do together.
That's a great idea. DA Can be a big help Going through a roadblock.
If this turns you off, Don't watch. I've got to tell Ira.
I haven't lied to him Since we've been married. I'm not gonna start now.
Stop me if I start Eating my fingers.
Did you rob that bank ? Sort of.
- what do you mean, sort of ? - I did but I didn't enjoy it.
I haven't got time For explanations. I need your help.
I need a place to stay. Need some money.
Need a new suit of clothes. Something in a beige Would be nice.
Listen to me. You're going to call the police And give yourself up.
I promise that Ira and I Will do everything we can To help you.
Mm-hmm. I'm gonna get him Down here.
Glen, you try it And I値l use this On both of you.
Are you that desperate You'd kill me ?
I'd have to get Some bullets first, but then I can't promise anything.
- I知 getting Ira. - Glenda, I知 innocent.
- like you were in Mexico ? - yes, exactly.
I know it's coincidental, But I never smuggled drugs in From Mexico.
I was down there doing A story on illegal aliens.
I met a couple of guys in a bar, Slipped them a hundred bucks,
And they told me they would Show me how the network was run.
How was I supposed to know I was sitting on a bump That was five pounds of heroin ?
- you could've looked. - I知 not going back to prison.
I spent two years in a cell With two cockroaches Who committed suicide.
- will you please help me ? - not by breaking the law.
[ scoffs ] You never should've married A d.a., glen.
Took a lot of pizazz Out of you.
If you'll just make me A money doggie bag, I'll be crawling along.
- I知 sorry, I'm not gonna help you. - I see.
Well, don't count on my support For Ira's campaign.
Look how upset The dogs are.
What am I gonna do ?
[ whimpering ]
Come on, don't cry. Don't do this to me. [ whimpering continues ]
All right, I値l get him.
Oh, god !
Didn't quite make it To the driveway, did I ?
What are you doing ? Most people put their hoses In the garage.
Shh. You'll wake up Ira. "you'll wake up Ira." Get the food. Ow !
There's an empty room over The garage. You can stay there, But leave in the morning.
Something I said ? Because of you, Ira's gonna lose the election...
And I知 gonna get divorced. What are friends for ?
You obviously don't have any. Isn't there some other girl You could've gone to ?
They're not dependable. All they want is sex.
I hate to complain, But you are choking me to death.
You put on weight or have My fingers gotten skinny ?
You can touch me for help, Not enjoyment.
It's times like this I wonder why We ever got divorced.
Because-- Because of times like this.
Can you make it up These steps ?
Any chance of Sending them down ? Come on.
What happened ? I was getting worried.
It was the rabbits. I chased them for three blocks.
You must be exhausted.
I am. Mmm. I just wanna sleep.
Think you'll be too tired To help me in the morning ?
To do what ?
I wanna set up A campaign office. Clean out The room over the garage.
I'll get it ! I'll do it. I'll do it, honey.
You-you've got enough To worry about. Count on me, Ira.
I'll do it.
[ horn honking ]
[ honking ] Who's that ?
Have him shot, Ira, please.
[ honking continues ] [ mumbles ] What time is it ?
Ira.
Oh god !
Ira !
Where's Mr. Parks ? He took my broom And went out the back door.
He didn't say what He was gonna clean up. Oh, shit !
Well, maybe it was.
Ira !
What ?
Uh-- uh--
What's wrong ? Uh, telephone !
Take a message. I'm just gonna take a look In here.
Let me explain. [ Ira ] Explain what ?
How, um--
How we could make this A terrific office.
Who was it ? Who was what ?
On the telephone. Oh, it was for me.
Then why'd you yell "Ira" ?
In case it was for you.
You haven't had your coffee yet. I can tell.
We have to get A few more phones in here.
What are you doing Down there ?
Looking for outlets For phones.
- they're over here Where the phone is. - that's the best place for it.
- [ sneezes ] - god bless you.
- what ? - nothing. I sneezed.
- gesundheit. - thank you.
Ira, could we go someplace And talk ?
What's the matter with here ? I need to talk to you In private.
It's a private conversation That needs privacy of intimacy.
This isn't intimate ? No. It's a guest room.
Glenda, come over here And sit down.
Glenda, What's wrong with you ?
Is it nick ? It's nick, isn't it ?
- if it's nick, I don't want to hear about it. - it's nick.
I knew it was nick.
You don't have him In custody yet, and he's As good as convicted.
Nobody's convicted him ! He'll have plenty of time To explain that 8x10 glossy.
I can explain what Happened in Carmel. Where do You get your information ?
From nick. I spoke to him last night. He was the rabbit I was chasing.
He was the rabbit ? How could you do this ? What did he say ?
That's confidential information Between me and my client.
Your client ? Your client ? Sit down.
Are you crazy ? Withholding Information from me, The district attorney ?
Not even to mention Ira, Your husband. I can't believe this.
I'll confide in you If you're Ira, but not if You're the district attorney.
I'm Ira, Not the district attorney. What did he say ?
No, you're the district Attorney. I can tell by the way You're asking questions.
Glenda, with a little luck I may Still have a shot as security Guard at the county museum.
Where is he ?
I'll tell you what happened In Carmel if you agree...
To have nick put In our custody until The trial date is set.
In our custody ? You want me to adopt him ?
We'll make the cover Of the national enquirer.
Then we have nothing further To discuss. Wait a minute.
What happened in Carmel ?
He was in a friend's cabin In Big Sur...
Working on a book.
Two men walked in, Kidnapped him And stole his car.
They forced him at gunpoint To drive to a bank in Carmel,
Hand the teller a holdup note.
They escaped up the mountain, Took the money, kicked him out, Leaving him for dead.
- that's his story and I believe every word of it. - you believe that story ?
- yes, I do. - wait a minute. Let me get this straight.
What you're saying is that Two men walked into his cabin. Right. Right.
They, they kidnapped him. Right.
Stole his car. Right ! That's it. That's it. That's good.
Forced him to give A bank teller a holdup note. Yeah, mm-hmm, right.
Kicked him down A sand dune. Yeah, you got it.
They left him for-- What are you saying ?
They left him for, For, uh, for dead.
That's it. I saw him limping. I saw him myself.
Oh, he was limping ?
I didn't know that. Then of course he's innocent. Limpers never lie.
Limpers are famous For telling the truth.
The man is a convicted Drug smuggler ! How can You believe such crap ?
All right, Glenda, I知 gonna Give you five seconds To tell me where he is.
I'm counting now. One, two--
You don't get five seconds. That's it.
Not only am I worried About the future Of our relationship,
I also won't be home For dinner tonight.
You forgot to ask him For the beige suit.
Oh, shut up !
Easy. Easy. The leg. Don't leave the leg behind.
Thank you.
Hope you won't be sore at me, But I was listening.
Thought your speech Was aces.
I didn't quite buy That bank robbery story, But otherwise it was first-rate.
I don't think I致e ever Hurt him like that.
Did you see that awful look He had in his eyes ?
No, but his shoes looked In pretty bad shape.
Oh, why am I doing All this ?
Why do I believe you ?
You haven't taken Any of this seriously For a second.
You've been having The best time, haven't you ?
Look at you with that Silly smirk on your face !
I tried a serious smirk But it didn't feel right.
It's all just a game to you, Isn't it ?
I bet you banged up your leg On purpose to make it More interesting.
There was a time when You had a good sense of humor.
- I remember it. It's the day I married you. - uh-oh.
You haven't changed In all these years, nick.
Nothing phases you. You're still a boy. When will you ever grow up ?
I am trying.
I grew a mustache, But it fell off.
Why don't we just Forget about it ?
Just lend me a cup And some pencils, And I値l make it on my own.
Watch out. They'll see you.
The old instinct never dies, Does it ? What instinct ?
To protect your loved ones. Right. Only Ira痴 The loved one.
There must be a way To deal with this without Hurting him more than I have.
He'll be all right. We used to go at it Pretty good ourselves.
Aside from a divorce, It didn't harm us much.
Mrs. Parks ! What ?
- don't snap at me. - I知 sorry.
I have a headache Through my entire body. What is it ?
Okay. Your office called.
"Conchita and Rosita have been Pushed back in the court To 10:30 a.m...
Because at 9:30 you gotta be With the boys who took a swing At the policeman."
What boys ? The ones who busted up The welfare office.
Robert and Thomas ? When did they take a swing At a policeman ?
Last night when they caught 'em In the stolen car.
- what stolen car ? - Mr. Parks's stolen car !
They stole Mr. Parks's car ?
Yeah. He's inside now Calling for the taxi.
I never heard language like that From a police officer.
Oh, why did I Wake up today ?
All right. Just tell 'em-- Tell 'em I値l be right there.
Did you want breakfast ? Who cares about breakfast At a time like this ?
- eggs. - eggs.
Bacon. Waffles. Toast. Bacon. Waffles. Toast.
- coffee. - coffee.
More eggs. More eggs.
- thank you. - thank you.
Now you see What you've done ? Who, me ?
If I wasn't wasting my time On you last night, I could've Kept my eyes on those boys.
They're not criminals. They would've brought The car back.
I'm sure they just went To pick up their cousin At the hospital.
I'm gonna be running along. I see you have your hands full With the rest of the underworld.
Nick ! Nick, please give Yourself up.
For your sake, for Ira痴 sake And for mine. Please !
You know your picture's Painted on the wall Of a Mexican prison ?
I described your face To an artist Who was in my cell.
A lot of guys wanted To rent it out for the weekend, But I wouldn't let them.
[ aurora ] Mrs. Parks !
This couldn't possibly Be good. Stay there.
- what now ? - the doggies ran away again.
Naturally. What should I do ?
Nothing. I'll get Six new ones tonight.
Oh, no.
What are you doing ? I'm getting out.
Now, in broad daylight ?
Who's gonna notice A limping bank robber with His picture in the newspapers ?
Forget the breakfast. Where are you gonna go ? No, don't tell me.
My only chance Is to find those two guys And bring them in.
I just wanna say that--
Well, last night Seemed like old times.
You know what I mean ?
Bye.
Where's my horse ? I'm supposed to jump On a horse.
All right, wait here. I'll get you money and food,
And that's positively The last thing I知 gonna do For you, you understand ?
Do you ever call my name out When you're making love ?
Bet Ira grinds his teeth When you do.
Aurora, I need the house money.
I used it to pay The foot doctor. The house money ?
I can't get to the house With bad feet. Your breakfast is ready.
Wrap it up. I'll take it with me.
Ira, do you want to hear My side ? Not with the meter ticking.
I'm sorry about your car. Why don't you take mine ?
Maybe we should get A third one-- Yours, mine and theirs.
[ dogs barking ]
Get outta here !
Glenda ! Will you get the dogs !
Come on, please, get out. Come on, down. Get out, please.
Get out of here. Get out. Come on.
Please. Come on, get out. That's it.
Okay. Ah-ah-ah ! Okay, let's go.
Just keep saying To yourself, "aurora,
Twelve more years To retirement."
Uh-- who's this ? I don't like the looks Of that man.
What are you doing there, Man ?
Ay, dios mio.
Mrs. Parks ! Mrs. Parks ! I got a burglar !
Mrs. Parks, I got him Clean as a whistle. That man is dead for sure.
What are you talking about ? The burglar over the garage.
I gave one yell and He went down those stairs Like a sack of beans.
I know I catch a crook One day hanging around This family.
Where is he ? Where'd he go ?
He was laying right there, Dead as yesterday.
I'll take care of this.
Nick ? Nick ?
Are you in here ?
"there are some things a man Just has to do by himself.
This is not one of them, So I知 going for help."
Oh, nick ! You crazy idiot !
Oh, god, I gotta rest. I can't keep this up.
- Mrs. Parks ! - what is it ?
We gotta go, else We're gonna be late For court.
No, we won't. Did you get gas for the car ?
- you didn't say get gas. - we're gonna have To stop for gas.
Now we're gonna Be late for court. That's what I said.
Mrs. Parks, should I call The police. I don't want No dead burglars hanging around.
It wasn't a burglar, It was the decorator I hired To redo the spare room.
And don't tell Mr. Parks. It's a surprise.
Didn't look like No decorator I ever seen.
My briefcase ! Stop ! Go back.
Yes, ma'am.
When my brains unscramble, I'm firing you.
Would you please get my case ? It's upstairs on my bed.
Flash Gordon will return.
Oh, god, what next ?
[ nick ] Don't ask me.
I believe this is your day For the carpool.
Don't do this to me. You promised me You were leaving.
That was before I dislocated my shoulder.
I had to open the car door With my teeth.
I'm going to the courthouse. I don't know where You're planning on going.
I told you, Big Sur. And I give you my car To escape with ?
No, I steal it. Park it outside the courthouse And leave the keys.
We've already Had a car stolen today. We're over our quota.
What am I gonna tell Chester ?
He'll never know I知 here.
You forgot your breakfast, But Chester痴 on the job.
I'm not hungry anymore.
[ paper bag scrunching ]
[ coughing ]
Thank you.
Watch the bumps. Bumps ? We're not even Gonna touch asphalt.
If I wanted an airplane, I'd buy one. Slow down.
Yes, ma'am. Are you gonna eat Your breakfast ? No.
Thank you, ma'am. Keep your eyes on the road. I'll get it.
Here.
Oh, I guess aurora Forgot to put it in.
I saw her put it in. Maybe it dropped On the floor.
Keep your eyes On the road.
You just went through A stop sign.
That's what I get For keepin' my eyes On the road.
[ siren wailing ]
Oh, god, the police. Uh-oh.
Oh, god. I knew This was gonna happen. I knew it. Stay down.
Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. Not you.
[ police radio, Indistinct ]
Do you know you went through A stop sign back there ?
No, officer. I was about to back up And stop at it.
- can I see your licence ? - officer, I知 afraid This is my fault.
We were rushing to get to court. I'm Mrs. Ira parks, The district attorney's wife.
Oh, yes, Mrs. Parks. Nice to see you again. Again ?
You brought chicken and beer out To me and charley last night. We're much obliged.
Oh, the chicken and the beer. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Awfully nice of you. Okay, just watch That sign next time.
You bet I will. One other thing, ma'am.
Yes ? Why is that man Lying on the floor ?
What man ? What man ?
That man. Oh, that man !
Yes, ma'am. Why is that man Lying on the floor ?
Yes, ma'am. Is he all right ? Yes, he's fine.
Ah. Where am I ? What happened ?
He was, um-- He was hit. Hit.
- they ran. - and then he ran.
- they ran. - they ran. They hit him and ran.
The car came And hit him and ran.
- did you see the accident ? - no, I came late.
He went in to get my breakfast, And I pulled him in myself.
I, of course, Will represent him As his attorney.
- can I have your name, please ? - Friedlander.
Harris j. Friedlander... From Oxnard.
Business ? Designer.
We carve the heads of presidents Out of driftwood.
We employee mostly veterans And the handicapped.
[ policeman ] Do you have Any identification ?
No. They mugged me... After they hit me. They mugged you.
Did you get The make of the car Or the license number ?
I didn't have a chance. I was up, down so quickly.
I really think We should get him To the hospital.
Didn't you say You were rushing To get to court ?
After-- After the hospital.
Follow us. We'll make better time. Stick to my tail.
Right. Over and out.
Don't ask me any questions. You'll be better off. Yes, ma'am.
[ siren wailing ]
Hot damn ! I finally get a chance To chase the police !
Ooh. That bacon Was a little well-done.
Is that all That's worrying you ? Bacon ?
I must be crazy. Disbarment-- Disbarment and disgrace Are all that lie ahead.
That and a big truck.
Are we alive ? I don't think we'll know For a few minutes yet.
Can we do that again ? Chester !
Okay, you wanna hear My plan ?
No. I want you Out of my life. That's part of the plan.
I kidnap you. We lose the cops At the next corner.
I dump the both of you off, I steal the car And you're in the clear.
How you gonna kidnap us If I知 the one Driving the car ?
'Cause I知 the one Holding the gun. I buy that.
Turn left at The next corner.
Don't listen to him, Chester. Nick, please give yourself up.
If you're innocent, They'll never send you to jail.
Is that how it works ? Not in my neighborhood.
- then turn here. - if you turn, you're fired.
If you don't turn, I fire. There's no bullets in it. Trust me.
You gonna trust a woman Who just lied to the police ? I definitely want a raise.
Giving escort to A Mrs. Ira parks.
License number--
Where in the hell Did they go ?
Stop right here. [ brakes squeal ]
I think I知 Two inches shorter.
Okay, get out of the car. Come on, kids, move.
Planning on coming along ? We never really did finish That honeymoon, you know.
Nick, why are you doing this ? Why do you behave this way ?
I don't know. Ever since I was a kid, I致e had this Desire never to go to jail.
Bye, glen.
One more little one ?
[ engine revs ]
Are you sure you'll be able To drive with that shoulder ?
Are you kidding ? The vehicle wasn't built That I can't handle.
[ horn honks ]
Where were you ?
I've been trying to get you On your car radio For 20 minutes.
You should've tried Smoke signals. The Indians stole my car.
What ? Indians ? My wife's Indians.
Her car was just stolen too. Her car was stolen ? Who did it ?
Her ex-husband. He stole her car ? She reported it ?
No, she was in it. She was in it ? With him ?
He was lying in the back. She was kidnapped at gunpoint And later let go.
The chauffeur verified it. The chauffeur verified it ?
A convicted felon who stole The hubcaps off six limousines During a funeral service.
He verified it ?
Do you know what The governor's doing At this very moment ?
He's telling his secretary Not to accept my calls.
Wrong ! He's been trying To get you on the phone. Don't accept his calls.
[ judge ] you expect me to Believe they borrowed this car ? Yes. I had no objection.
And have these two young men Found gainful employment ?
Yes. They're currently doing Odd jobs for me at home.
"odd" seems to be The appropriate word.
The next time they borrow Your husband's car, please tell Your husband about it.
I don't want to see these two Young men in here again. Yes, your honor.
Case dismissed.
Thanks, Mrs. Parks. Keep out of trouble.
Next case. Rosita Sanchez...
And Conchita Velasquez. I represent these women, Your honor.
- naturally ! - I知 also their employer.
Of course. I have a son Who's looking for a job. You have something for him ?
Well, if he gets into trouble, Have him call me.
Want us to pick you up In the morning, Mr. Parks ? No. My car's in the garage.
But I値l check with you Just in case.
Good night. Good night. Thank you.
[ dogs barking ]
Stop ! It's me for chrissakes ! Why didn't you bark When they took my car ?
Hi. Wanna talk about it ?
Why don't you have A glass of wine, relax,
Get into bed and I値l tell you The whole story.
He was here last night, Wasn't he ? Where ? In the garage ?
Over the garage, In the spare room.
The spare room ! Of course. Why didn't you invite him Up here ?
We only had six dogs On the bed. We could've Squeezed him in.
He was injured. He could hardly walk.
He was cold, he was starved And he was innocent.
He needed some help, And I was the only person He could turn to.
You're the only person Anyone can turn to Except me.
Ira, that's not true. I'm always here for you.
You come first with me, Ira. You know that.
I'm here for you now. Now ?
And where is he ? Under the bed ? Should I take a look ?
I don't know where he is. You swear ?
I swear. I'm telling you the truth. You telling me the truth ?
Really ? Really.
Maybe sometimes I get a little crazy. I know.
Overreact a little. Something like this-- I know, I know.
Where was he this morning When we were up In the spare room ?
He was under the bed.
No wonder you want me To have a glass of wine.
This might be a good time For me to get Into heavy drugs.
- where are you going ? - it's my turn to sleep In the spare room.
- [ dogs barking ] - let go of me ! It's me ! Get off my leg !
[ phone ringing ]
Hello ?
- I can't sleep. How about you ? - not a wink.
- why don't you bring The wine over ? - you mean it ?
We don't have time to go On vacation. Why don't we Take one up here ?
- isn't the bed kinda small ? - not for me.
I'll be right over.
Peace ?
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Don't be silly. I guess I just wanted A little attention.
Well, you got it.
Glad I never faced you In court, especially in That black nightgown.
Don't you want some wine ? It's nice and cold.
I'm just the opposite.
Ohh ! It's not Much room, is there ?
Trust me. I grew up in a Volkswagen. Ohh !
Oh, shit !
You all right ? I'm sorry. I'll move over. I'm fine. Let me think.
Think about what ? About what to do.
What to do ? There's nothing to do. I'll do it all.
No, not here. No. Not here ? What's wrong with here ?
Let's go. Go where ?
I don't know. I can't relax. I can't catch my breath. We need to talk.
If it's about nick, I don't want to discuss him. I don't wanna hear his name.
I want one night alone. Just us. No dogs, no cats, No ex-husbands.
Just us, the way we were. All right ?
All right. All right, great, great.
Remember when you came into the Cabin after the moonlight swim ? I don't wanna talk about it.
Why not ? I don't know. I just don't Wanna talk about it.
It was a wonderful night. You were standing all naked.
I don't wanna talk about it. I wasn't !
We don't have to talk about it. We don't have to say anything.
[ crying ] What is it ? Is it me ? Is it something I致e done ?
Is it nick ? Is that who You're worried about ?
All right, that's it !
It's clear to me that you and I Are never going to have A moment's peace...
Until that man Is out of our lives.
If you can't learn To give up the past,
Then you're gonna have to learn To give up the present.
You can't rehabilitate An entire world.
Why the hell did you ever say "I do" to me when you're Still saying "I did" to him ?
You know something ?
I'm better off sleeping With the goddamn dogs !
I know when I'm not wanted.
Do you see that telephone ?
You have exactly ten seconds Of freedom left...
Before the entire Los Angeles Police department surrounds This area.
Next time I知 going to hide In your bedroom. You two are never in there.
I am crossing.
Couldn't we work something Out ? The three of us Make a wonderful pair.
I'm dialing.
It's every woman's fantasy-- Alternating husbands.
I'm talking. Hello ? This is Mrs. Ira parks.
The fugitive you're looking for, Nicholas gardenia, Has just broken into our house.
Ahh, I知 gonna miss My old room.
I don't think I値l ever Be able to sleep On top of a bed again.
I'm sorry, aurora. I woke you up.
I'll explain everything In the morning. Buenas noches.
Captain Anderson, please. Ira parks.
Ira, I致e gotta Tell you something. [ car engine revving ]
Don't tell me. I have a hunch I know.
Sam, Ira. My car was stolen again. Oh, god.
I can see it driving away. It's being stolen now.
My bet is it's Nicholas gardenia. I win my bets.
No, you don't have To come out here, But if he scratches a fender,
You've got my permission To use police brutality.
He was under the bed again, Wasn't he ?
I tried to tell you, But you didn't want to talk About him.
Telling me a man is under the Bed while we're making love is Not exactly talking about him.
Instead of wasting time crying, Why didn't you just point down ? I would've been mildly curious.
I didn't let him in. He probably got there Before you.
He always gets there before me.
Okay, you win. You're too smart for us.
Nick and I purposely Got a divorce So I could marry you,
Knowing you would buy A house with a room Over the garage...
So that when he was kidnapped, After he spent two years In a Mexican jail,
Robbed a bank in Carmel And the police Were after him,
He could then hide out In our spare room...
So while you and I were throwing Parties to celebrate your Running for attorney general,
I would be able to run Up there, sneak away,
And be able to spend 35 seconds alone with nick.
I've been found out. I confess. I confess.
You're having a breakdown, Aren't you ?
A big one ! It's been coming for a long time And this is it !
[ breathing heavily ] What are you doing ? What's wrong ?
Ah, I知 hyperventilating. I can't breathe.
What do you mean You can't breathe ? That's all you're doing.
It's too much breathing. I'm losing all My carbon dioxide.
All right, just calm down. You want a glass of water ?
How can I drink water when I'm breathing all the time ?
I breathe all the time. I drink plenty of water.
That's because You're not hysterical.
Do you want to lie down ? No, just leave me alone. I want to lie down.
That's what I just said. Why, when I bring something up, You don't want to do it ?
Because when you bring it up, I don't want to bring it up. You just brought it up.
Ira, please, Just let me lie down. You are lying down.
Ira ! Okay, I値l go To the window.
No, don't go to the window ! He'll only come Through it again.
Calm, calm. I have to get calm.
Mmm. Don't excite me. No.
- don't mention nick. Nick excites me. - oh.
I don't mean the way you mean. He excites me the other way. The bad way.
Oh ! I know what you mean. Don't worry about anything. Everything is all right.
He'll never bother us again.
We'll kill him. The man is dead. I promise you.
Don't go away ! No, I知 going to stay.
Lock the door. Don't leave me ! I'll stay right here.
Look under the bed. He's not under the bed. He's in my car. I saw him.
Look anyway, honey. He's like a termite.
He gets into the cracks In the wood. Is he there ? No, he's not there.
Look again. I'll take another look.
He's not there. I swear, I swear.
We have the room All to ourselves.
Ira, we gotta keep him out. It's our only chance. Okay.
Put some garlic Around the window.
Maybe a big cross Over the bed.
We've gotta Protect ourselves.
[ car engine revving ]
[ horn honking ]
Good morning, Mr. Parks. Did they catch The first Mr. Parks yet ?
- I知 the first Mr. Parks ! - oh, yeah !
- and don't blow the horn. Mrs. Parks isn't feeling well. - I get the day off ?
That means you get to wash The windows. The governor's Coming for dinner tonight.
He ain't gonna be lookin' out No windows If he's eatin' dinner.
[ horn honks ]
Good morning. Maybe for you, not for me.
What's wrong ? I'm putting it all here In the letter.
Can't you tell me instead ? I can't stop something Once I start it.
There'll be six for dinner, Including the governor and wife. We'd like you to serve at 8:00.
They're gonna be serving me Dinner at 8:00. I'm going to the hospital.
What are you talking about ? I put it in the letter So I don't have to explain.
Did you want me To explain ? Please.
The letter says, "the doctor says I gotta have My feet scraped today.
The doctor says, 'aurora, You gotta be off your feet For two days because--'"
Did you want me to read you The whole letter ? I gotta go now.
Now ? You're leaving now, With the governor coming ? What about dinner ?
He can have mine. I hate that hospital food.
Tell Mrs. Parks I called My sisters, but they're All busy. I'm very sorry.
Aurora, You can't just leave. What'll I do ?
If I was you, I壇 put My chicken on pretty soon.
[ dogs barking ] [ aurora ] Don't step on my feet !
Morning.
Coffee.
I've never felt this bad In my whole life. Wait. It's early yet.
What's this ? It's a letter from aurora.
I can't get my eyes open. Can't you read it to me ?
Frankly, I haven't got The heart.
I can't make this out. Who's going to the hospital ? Aurora.
Then how's she gonna be able To make dinner ? She's not.
She's not gonna be able To make dinner ? No.
With the governor coming ? That's how it lays out.
I don't believe it. Swear ? It's true. I swear.
She's not gonna make chicken Pepperoni ? No, she's gonna have Her feet scraped.
How long does it take To scrape feet ?
Longer than it takes To make chicken pepperoni. Do you know how to make it ?
No. Then we're in Very big trouble.
I can make something else. He doesn't want something else. He wants chicken pepperoni.
Then cancel the dinner. He's making a special trip From Sacramento.
Just for chicken pepperoni ? No, to make me attorney general. But he loves chicken pepperoni.
You may not become Attorney general If I make veal parmigiana ?
No, I didn't say that. But with your ex-husband On the loose,
We're a lot safer With chicken pepperoni ! Don't yell at me !
I'm not yelling at you. I'm screaming at you !
We need chicken pepperoni, And we need it bad !
I'm make it. I'll make it. Only don't make me crazy. I can't cook when I知 crazy.
I'm not making you crazy. Yes, you are ! You're making me crazy.
Anybody who forces me To make chicken pepperoni Is making me crazy !
And you are making me crazy.
I'm not making her crazy.
Yeah. Yeah. Hold on a second, Joe.
Let me get my secretary On another phone. Jackie, take all this down.
I think we got something. So have I. Hang on a second.
Go ahead, Joe.
Got it. Got it.
Two cans of tomato paste. Sliced green peppers.
Pimento. Sausage.
What do you mean veal ? There's no veal In chicken pepperoni.
What do you mean, "what's The difference" ? There lots Between veal and chicken.
Call somebody. Get--
Could you call somebody In Sicily ?
Try, Joe, please try !
Can you believe what I知 doing ? A grown district attorney. What have you got ?
What do you see ? Hitler.
Adolph Hitler On candid camera.
Look at the other photo That was taken At the Carmel bank.
Look at the two figures In the background. Yeah ?
Now, look at The enlargement.
We just identified them As Bee Gee Ramone And Warren Dickstedder,
Twice convicted For armed robbery.
In each case, they abducted Some innocent bystander...
And forced them to hand A stickup note to the teller.
They're very shy When it comes to pictures. What are you telling me ?
That it's possible Your wife's story is true. Gardenia may be innocent.
Are you sure ? I had my heart set On sending him to jail.
[ buzzer buzzes ] [ Jackie ] The governor's on two.
Stanley ! Freddie has just come up With some new information...
That may clear up everything For us.
Okay, I値l tell you later. Oh, yeah, we're still on. 8:00.
Aurora's chicken pepperoni. I know how you love it.
Okay. See you then.
He loves That chicken pepperoni ! Don't start with me.
Oh, here it is.
[ Ira ] Glenda ? Oh, god !
Jesus ! It looks like An Italian movie.
Knock it off, Ira. I've had a rough day today.
This is my third batch Of pepperoni sauce. The dogs Are half-dead from tasting it.
Don't you have any help ? Where are the Mexican girls And the Indian boys ?
They got jobs today. Good, steady jobs that I got 'em Just when I need 'em.
Whose recipe is this ? I found aurora's.
It's great ! It's great ! Except it's in Spanish.
Who's going to serve ? Chester.
Chester ? There's not gonna Be anything left for us. You think I知 gonna eat this ?
Where is he ? I better talk to him. He's in the dining room.
Come on, guys ! Come on. Who's game for one more taste ?
Huh ? Come on.
[ glass shattering ]
Is that our good Waterford crystal ? Yes, it was.
You ought to be more careful. Have you ever served before ?
Yes, sir. I worked at McDonald痴 For two weeks.
Uh-huh. No paper napkins. Get linen ones.
The governor's coming For dinner. The governor ! You know ? I know.
You look very good. That tuxedo looks very nice.
Thank you. It's yours. Mrs. Parks gave it to me.
This glass looks dirty. That's what I thought.
Chester, clean the glass. Yes, sir. Anything you say.
Man says clean it, Then I clean it.
Mmm !
Do I look all right ? I told you six times, You look fine... Sweetheart.
[ doorbell rings ]
Glen, they're here.
Chester ?
[ western movie on TV ] Chester ?
Didn't you hear The door ? No, I heard the bell.
The bell Is on the door. I know.
Why didn't you answer it ? Because Mrs. Parks said for me To keep an eye on the sauce.
Why are you watching TV ? I watch the sauce During the commercials.
Will you answer The door ? Will you watch the sauce ?
Answer the door !
Hello. Nice to see you, ma'am. What's happening, brother ?
Good evening. Thank you. Glad you could make it.
Are we the first ones ? You sure are.
Anne. Hi, Ira.
How are you ? Freddie. Any word On gardenia or my car ?
The car is still missing, But we did get the Stereo system and the telephone.
Where'd you get that ? He sold it.
- big time limousine comin'. - close the door.
Go in the other room, Make yourselves a drink. I'll get Glenda.
When the bell On the door rings, Open the door.
Don't I always ?
Glenda, wake up, honey.
Honey, the governor's here. Glenda. Glen.
Come on, honey, wake up. That's it. Atta girl. The governor's here.
I can't make it. Go on without me. Save yourself.
Get dressed. Which dress do you want ?
I don't care. You pick it out. I can't make any more decisions.
How about the white one With the little pink flowers ? Fine.
Here. Come on, honey. Come on, babe.
Here we go. Here we are. Here.
[ whimpering ] Just get your arm in there. Wait a second.
Take this off here. No, no, wait a minute. All right.
Honey, don't. Just-- No, all right, okay. Just-- wait a second.
This is turning out to be A fine wine party.
Fred, I壇 like to see an entire Restructuring of the control Of handguns in our state.
We need better And stronger legislation...
And we need people like Ira To enforce that legislation.
Sorry I知 late. Glenda's got button trouble.
Hello, Ira. You remember Deidre.
Of course. Hello. It's nice To see you again.
- dinner is served. - no, it isn't.
- it isn't ? - it isn't. Mrs. Parks is still upstairs.
- I thought 8:00 meant 8:00. - no, 8:00 means 8:30, Quarter to 9:00.
- oh ! - he's new.
Oh, hello, everybody. Hi, Glenda.
Oh, don't mind the way I look. Ira dressed me in a hurry.
If that's the way you look, He can dress me anytime. Hear what Stan said ?
???? [ radio: big band ]
[ gasps ]
[ running footsteps ]
[ barking ] It's me ! The first husband.
Aaah !
[ barking continues ]
Glen, isn't there something We can do about that ? That's just the dogs barking.
Chester, would you go up And quiet them ? Sure thing.
Chester, the governor Didn't get his drink. Oh, I知 sorry.
I'll take this, Stanley.
You must all be starved. Why don't we go in And have dinner ?
[ barking ] Quiet, quiet, quiet !
[ barking ]
Those are our dogs.
Yeah, I assumed.
[ barking ]
Are there any more ?
No, that's it. Good.
The house looks lovely. What have you done to it ?
We had it reshingled.
Now, Anne, You sit next to Stanley.
Fred, to my left. Deidre.
Then we have boy, girl, Boy, girl, governor, girl.
[ all laughing ]
Thank you, Fred. Everything is so lovely.
Shut up, you hear ? You don't keep quiet, I知 gonna Tie your tails together.
Be quiet ! Come on outta here. Come on !
Hey, Chet, what do you say ? Mrs. Parks in ?
Yeah, she's in. In with the governor Of the state of California.
Oh, the guv's here ? Good.
Tell Mrs. "p" I知 here, Will you ? Yeah, I will. Mmm-mmmm.
Ira tells me you placed Four more of those probationers With jobs today.
Glenda, you realize what You're doing ?
By personally ending Unemployment And cutting the crime rate,
You're doing away With the need for a governor And an attorney general.
Then you can all Come work for me. All right, that's a deal.
[ whispering ] I got good news And I got bad news.
You're drunk. That's the good news.
What's the bad news ? [ gasps ]
What's wrong ?
It's all right. It's nothing.
She had it last night. She's hyperventilating.
I just need some fresh air. I'll go with you.
No, please. I need my own fresh air. Stay !
She hasn't Been sleeping well.
I hope they shoot you. I hope they shoot you In my kitchen.
And when they drag Your dead body out, I hope They shoot you again.
Is that any way to talk to a man Who's decided To give himself up ?
What ? I can't stand Being a fugitive anymore.
The hardest part Is finding a bathroom.
You mean it ? You'll surrender ?
My conscience is bothering me, And I began to think of...
How unfair all of this is To you and Myron and-- Ira. Ira.
I guess if I was going to put Myself in anyone's hands, It'd be yours, Glenda.
I love these hands. They're soft and delicate And yet... Strong and firm.
Some nights, I thought They'd rip my back apart.
I'm glad that you've come To your senses, nick.
We had something good. We had something real. We had something permanent.
We had something that couldn't Be destroyed by a little thing Like you marrying somebody else.
Uh, uh--
Why don't you wait here And I値l go in And I値l get Myron.
Ira. Ira.
Um, nick, nick, no. No, you mustn't.
Don't do this. We're in the middle Of soup.
Tell me you don't miss The fun, the laughs, I don't. I don't.
The pizzas in the bathtub. I don't.
The ice cubes in the bed. I don't, I don't !
I love Ira. I have never Been more content.
Content ? Content isn't excitement.
Content is content.
You know what you used to do Every time I came near you ?
You used to shake And quiver.
That's what you're doing Right now.
You're shaking and quivering All over.
Uh, that's because I'm up against the refrigerator.
I want you back, glen.
If you don't want to leave Ira, I can handle it. I'm not selfish.
We can share our time with you. I'm out of town a lot anyway.
Nick, you're getting me All confused.
I can't handle a lunatic Ex-husband and six people For dinner at the same time.
I'm gonna kiss you now. One kiss. No. No.
You tell me that everything's Dead between us, I値l never Darken your lips again.
No kiss. I'm a married woman With the governor inside.
You won't have to tell me, I'll see it in your eyes. I'll feel it in your body.
Should something occur to you, However, don't be afraid To speak up.
Excuse me. They want their chicken now.
Uh, he just surrendered To me. Mm-hmm.
I just came to kiss Everybody good-bye.
- you wait here. During coffee, I値l get Hyram. - Myron.
Myron. Ira...
To come in and you can surrender To him formally-- to Ira.
It'll look good For the governor.
Well, Chet, I think This calls for a drink.
I'll call for one.
[ chattering ]
Sorry I took so long.
Are you all right ? I'm fine.
- you don't look all right. - yes, I do. Don't I look all right ?
She looks fine to me. I think she looks all right.
- she looks gorgeous. - she does ? How's she look to you, Fred ?
Fine.
Tell me the truth. Am I drunk ?
You passed "go" About two minutes ago. Can you serve ?
I don't think so. I can drive, but I can't serve.
Ah, you can do it, Chet. You just have to get through The chicken.
I can't even get through The door.
You just hold out your hands. I'll give you the serving dish. I'm gettin' sick.
If I smell that pepperoni sauce, They're gonna get a Cleaning bill from the governor.
Stand up, Chester.
Hold out your hands.
Okay, here we go.
Pretty good. Your timing's a little off.
What I壇 like to do is have A meeting in Sacramento With our entire team...
And try to coordinate Some of the things we've Been talking about tonight.
I look forward to that. Would you like More chicken ?
- more ? We haven't had any. - I meant... Any more.
- why don't you ring the bell ? - [ ringing ]
You know, Fred and I have Drawn up a ten-point program...
That encompasses most of those Issues you're concerned with. Good !
In so many areas, The criminal code system Is so antiquated...
That it takes Mountains of man-hours To deal with issues...
That could be handled In the lower courts in One-fiftieth the amount of time.
Thank you, Chester. Stanley-- [ gasps ]
You okay ? Chester-- [ gasps ]
Holy sh-- I beg your pardon, governor.
- what's wrong with everyone ? - ah, nothing. Stanley, everything's fine.
Ira, Fred, it's all right. Trust me. It's all right.
What's all right ? The chicken, sir. The chicken's all right.
Would you mind holding this Just for one brief second ?
I'll get that for you. Give you this breast Right up here.
I think You'll enjoy this. Thank you.
You're welcome. Thank you.
You look familiar. Were you here The last time ?
I've been here Quite often lately, sir. My name's Nicholas.
Beautiful choice. Thank you, Nicholas.
You're very welcome, Ma'am.
Sorry.
Where's Chester ? He's out... For a moment.
It smells terrific !
- what should I do, Ira ? - about what ?
The chicken !
Um, Fred is a vegetarian, And doesn't know If he should eat it.
So why ask Ira ?
Ira... Ira used to be A vegetarian, and knows The things you should eat.
Eat the chicken.
It's tangier than last time. Very spicy. I like that.
Oh, thank you, sir. It's a little thing I picked up in Mexico.
Perhaps A little more sauce ? No, thank you, I知 fine.
Nicholas, you certainly look Familiar to me. You never served me before ?
No, sir. I voted for you last time. Maybe that was it.
Thank you. I remember the reason Must've been--
That'll be all, Nicholas. Go away.
- I would never take him For a butler. - I wouldn't either.
You always seem to come up with Such interesting help, Glenda. Where did you find him ?
Oh, I致e had him For years.
- would you all excuse me For a moment ? - would you excuse me ?
Would you all excuse me For a moment ?
Peculiar time To go to the john.
Ira, he came here To give himself up !
The man sleeps under my bed, Drives my car, wears my tuxedo. I just want to meet him !
Hold it right there. You're under arrest !
The police are on their way. Didn't like the chicken, Huh ?
Nick, this is Ira, My husband. Ira.
Nick !
We've met before. You and Glenda Were in the bed above me.
Yes, I know.
Are you crazy ? Are you out of your mind ?
Who's gonna serve The coffee now ?
I think you've unraveled. I think your spool Is unwinding.
Let's just get through The dinner. We'll worry about him later.
Chester, Take care of him. Mm-hmm.
Sorry.
Is it time for The second group to go ?
Stanley, before this goes Any further,
I think I personally owe you An enormous apology.
- for what ? - Nicholas, the butler.
Don't be ridiculous. I know how it is with help.
He's not help. Uh, he's Glenda痴 ex-husband.
You mean the one That's wanted For bank robbery in Carmel ?
- that's the one. - I see.
Why this man Is serving us dinner...
Has got to be one Of the most interesting Explanations I致e ever heard.
Exactly. Glenda, do you want To explain it ?
No.
Excuse me, governor.
Mr. Parks, may I have A word with you, sir ?
I'm busy now. Later, Nicholas.
I'm afraid it won't wait Till later, sir.
All right. If you'll excuse me A moment.
What happened to his eye ? Ira punched him out In the kitchen.
Really ? No wonder you have trouble With your help.
[ punching sound ] [ pots banging ]
If you'll excuse me For a moment.
- what was that ? - that, I imagine, was Nicholas Punching Ira out.
[ banging sounds continue ] There goes Fred.
Oh, my god, Somebody do something !
Notice how I remain calm ? I do that Because I知 the governor.
That's why I voted for you, Stanley. Thank you.
[ punching, banging ] She shouldn't be in there By herself.
Would you like a cigar, Stanley ?
I'd love one. [ ringing ]
You rang, madam ?
[ dog snoring ]
[ Ira ] You asleep ? [ Glenda ] of course not.
What are you thinking about ? The same thing You're thinking about.
Does he still mean anything To you, glen ? Please don't ask me that.
Too late, I already did. Does he, glen ?
He's my client. I don't think I should Be discussing him with you.
I love you. I'm going to do everything I can to fight for you.
I love you too, And I知 going to do everything I can to fight for you.
[ clerk ] Nicholas j. Gardenia, Step forward please.
Hello, Mrs. Parks. Good morning, Your honor.
What have you got For me today ?
Aha ! Your clients Have moved up to the big time, I see.
Bank robbery, Breaking and entering, Stolen car,
Assault on The district attorney.
Mr. Parks ?
Haven't seen you in a courtroom For a long time.
-special interest in this case ? -it's all in my brief, Your honor.
It's quite unusual to have The defending and prosecuting Attorneys married to each other.
As well as the accused. What's that ?
[ whispering ] Mr. Gardenia was my husband Prior to Mr. Parks.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. Would you speak up ?
I was married to him Before I was married to him. I see.
Can't say that I blame you For not speaking up.
The marriages are all In the record, your honor.
What is this breaking And entering charge ?
The accused is charged With breaking and entering Into a private home...
Located at 242 lotus drive In Brentwood.
- it happens to be My residence. - and yours as well, Mrs. Parks.
Naturally. And you're filing The similar complaint ?
- I am not. - you don't mind him Breaking and entering ?
- the accused came there Seeking my help. - at your invitation ?
No, but he had No place else to go. The police were chasing him.
Mrs. Parks, you mean to tell me You aided and abetted A known criminal ?
I asked him to leave, But he pulled a gun on me.
- he threatened your life ? - no, not really. There weren't Any bullets in the gun.
- how do you know ? - he told me.
- you told her ? - I didn't want to scare her. We used to be married.
Mr. Parks, where were you When all this was happening ?
I was upstairs in bed, Your honor. It was 2:00 in the morning.
Weren't you concerned About your wife ?
No. She said she was Gonna do some gardening.
The rabbits were eating Her corn.
[ chuckles ] [ gallery laughs ]
Your honor,
This is the type of testimony That on the surface Seems quite silly.
On the surface, In the middle And on the bottom.
I see your client stole Your car, Mrs. Parks. Is that right ?
No, it's not.
I saw him steal my car. And I saw him Bring it back.
You want to take a whack At it ?
I always found it best To stay out Of family quarrels.
My client did not steal My car.
He was lying on the floor When I drove away.
My husband was upset Because his car was taken By the Indians who work for us.
The Indians ? Our Indians ?
Yes. Your honor dismissed That charge last week.
I did ? Must've been saving My strength for today.
Mr. Gardenia, will you answer A question for me, please ?
If I can be of any help On this case, judge, It's my pleasure.
Mr. Gardenia, Were you apprehended Or did you surrender ?
Surrendered. He was apprehended.
He was apprehended After he surrendered.
He didn't surrender to me, Therefore He was apprehended.
He was going to surrender to My husband after dinner. I told Him to wait in the kitchen.
- and did you wait in The kitchen, Mr. Gardenia ? - no, I had to serve dinner.
Wait a minute. You served dinner To Mr. And Mrs. Parks ?
- and the governor. - the governor. Our governor ?
I didn't ask him. He looked like our governor.
Our guest list is irrelevant To the charges.
If we're gonna get into Such trivialities, we might As well discuss what we served.
Chicken pepperoni, your honor. The governor seemed to enjoy it, If it has bearing on the case.
Hold it, hold it ! Uh, just-- Will you hold it ?
Whew ! Are you telling me...
That while every police officer In California Was looking for you,
You were serving dinner To the district attorney, His wife and the governor ?
[ chuckles ] How is that possible ?
Well, you have to prepare Everything in advance.
He was serving because The other butler got sick.
What other butler ? Me, your honor.
- I know that face. Where do I know that face ? - from here. It's mine.
Wasn't he up before me On a hubcap stealing charge ?
That's right, your honor. But I知 working For Mrs. Parks now.
Tell me something, Mrs. Parks.
Do you take just from me Or from other judges too ?
[ whispering ] I'm doing something here--
You and I ought to have A long talk tonight. I look forward to it.
Anything special You'd like for dinner ?
Would both counsels Please approach the bench ?
And the accused as well. I think this Might interest him.
Something fascinating Has just come up,
Which in this case Is redundant.
But may I suggest...
That we drop the petty issues And just deal With the bank robbing charges ?
That's acceptable to me. I'm all for Speedy justice.
Whatever my attorney says. Get your arm Off her shoulder !
All right, bailiff, Bring them in.
[ barking ]
Aurora, what Are you doing here ?
Whose dog is this ?
- they're mine, your honor. - the dogs work for you too ?
Only two of them. The other four are visiting.
[ barking ]
I want quiet In this courtroom !
I don't expect to get it, But let's go for it anyway.
[ gavel bangs ] Quiet ! Quiet, please !
Quiet !
Will somebody please tell me What happened ?
Me, me, mister honor. No !
My name is Aurora de La Jolla.
I'm the cook For Mr. And Mrs. Parks.
I come back to work This morning.
I was in the hospital To get my feet a-scraped. Your what ?
She had to have Her feet scraped. [ gallery laughs ]
Will you please ! Order, please !
Mrs. Parks, will you please Remove this dog ?
He's dribbling On my briefs !
Oh, excuse me.
Come on, hamlet, Let's go. [ yapping, barking ]
Please, Will you keep them quiet ? Are you listening to me ?
Oh, I知 sorry. Okay.
I go to the bank this morning To get the "chopping" money To feed all these dogs,
And all of a sudden, These two gringos...
Grabs me outside and say, "hey, you ! We're gonna rob a bank, lady."
I get so scared, I can't think how to A-scream "help" in English.
But inside the car, The doggies see them grab me And they get worried...
Because if something happens To aurora they don't get Their hamburger tonight.
So the doggies jump out And grab the gringos and Chew them all up into pieces.
Your honor, your honor, My client just told me...
That these are the men Who kidnapped him and Forced him to rob the bank.
And were apprehended By your cook And six of your own dogs ?
Only two of the dogs are ours. The other four acted On their own responsibility.
[ gallery laughing ]
Order, please.
I assume from these statements, That these gentlemen are willing To plea bargain...
In return for admitting The innocence of Mr. Gardenia.
Yeah, you know, yeah !
Well-said, well-spoken, Bee gee.
So, apparently We've cleared everything up.
And all before lunch. Oh, I love things When they zip along.
Case dismissed. Court's adjourned till 2:00 p.m.
We going home now ? All right, all right, That's enough !
You keep away from my wife. Keep away from my house.
Keep away from my car, My tuxedo, my chicken And especially my bed.
If I look under there And even see A pair of slippers,
I'm gonna shoot first And try them on after.
Come on, honey.
Ira, I知 sorry I知 late. Somebody stole my car.
Glenda, can I have... Just one minute with you ?
Just one minute, Ira.
Time it.
What if I said I壇 change ? You wouldn't.
What if I said I壇 try ? You couldn't.
What if I said to hell With trying to change ?
What if I said... I'm still nuts about you ?
What if I didn't say anything And grabbed you and ran ?
I, I probably Wouldn't do anything For a couple of weeks.
And then I'd come to my senses And run back to Ira.
I love him, nick.
We have respect For each other...
And regard... And esteem.
I love the way your eyes curl up When you look at me.
I'm sorry. Uh, regard, esteem.
And he, he's sweet And gentle, And he's very sexy.
Very sexy ? Extremely sexy.
Extremely ? Enormously sexy.
He's one of the sexiest men I've ever met.
I've gotta be running along. I'm kinda busy.
I'm very happy for you, Glenda. Thank you, nick.
Would you mind if I gave you A small kiss good-bye ?
No. I'd like that very much.
Think Ira would mind ? Probably.
Think we should ask him ? Probably.
Yo, Ira ! Is it okay If I kiss her good-bye ?
- no. - just one little kiss.
Time it.
[ clears throat ] Well, bye, nick.
Bye, glen.
So long, Ira. You take good care Of our girl.
???? [ whistling: "the high and the mighty" ]
????
???? [ whistling continues ]
Ira, let's get away.
Let's take a vacation. Just the two of us.
I think we need time away From work and careers.
Time to get To know each other again. Sounds good to me.
Let's just get in the car And drive. As long as there's no phones.
No dogs. No dogs.
[ Glenda痴 voice ] And no one else in the world Who knows where we are.
Well, you got your wish.
No one in the world Knows where we are... Including us.
Maybe we should ask If there's a motel around here. Good idea.
Is there a motel Around here ? [ giggling ]
- Ira ! Don't hit him ! - [ brakes squealing ]
Oh ! Honey ? Ira ?
Honey, are you all right ? I'm all right. Why is it always animals ?
Honey. Oh, my leg. I think My leg is broken.
Are you all right ? You're all right ? I'm fine.
Don't ! Just get some help.
I don't wanna leave you. No, leave me. Go to a telephone quick.
All right, I値l be right back. I'll be back as soon as I can. I love you.
Go away ! Go away ! Go home ! Go home !
[ thunderclap ] [ screams ] Oh, god.
Ohh, ohh.
Oh, thank god !
Help ! Help ! Is anybody home ? There's been an accident !
Help ! Help !
Help !
I need... Help.
{{{ the end }}}